Not Being Heard Is Exhausting

When I sit with my clients and listen to their stories of living with overweight or obesity, I  frequently hear something distressing and all too familiar.  Their self-criticism is ever-present. People with weight issues often blame themselves. Sometimes it's for not trying hard enough, or for failing when they have tried. Some of my clients say that their life choices have caused their weight. Each time, the person blames themselves for their shortcomings.

This is heart-breaking to hear, because we now know that weight is complex and not only the fault of the individual. I have witnessed many of my clients in tears because they feel they should have tried harder. Sometimes they believe if they'd just restricted their intake more, or if they'd pushed through more pain at the gym, said 'no' to a desert, or not finished a meal, in spite of still being hungry, that they'd not have their problem with weight.

I work with people who don't feel that they are worthy of love or intimacy. Some hide themselves away at home. I talk with people who believe all the harsh criticisms that have followed them throughout their lives: that their body weight is the result of their failings.

This 'inner voice' is often an external voice that they have internalised as their own voice. It is the voice of friends, advertisers, parents, gym instructors, social media and our culture. Over many years my clients have listened to  this subtle and not so subtle messaging. The messages they've heard repeatedly feel like their own voice.

A common thread is that it's the person's lack of effort and will power that has caused their weight. Yet we now know that the notion of will power is absolutely flawed when it comes to managing weight.

I've worked with people whose parents put them on diets from when they were children. In mid-life these people are still trying to lose weight, to please their mother or father. I've spoken with people who believe they've profoundly disappointed their mothers because they are too large.

Clients have told me about being watched by other shoppers in the supermarket as they select food items. Strangers have commented on what they've placed in their shopping trolley. At home, a parent or spouse tries to control their intake, serving them smaller portions, or different food, for instance a salad when others are eating a full meal. I've been told how humiliating it is to not be offered a desert when it is freely given to others at the table.

These messages, whether they're covert or spoken, can be so 'loud' that they're felt as the truth.

I believe that every conversation about weight management ought to be underpinned by compassion. We need to truly listen to what our clients are sharing with us, and to pay attention to our own underlying judgments and assumptions and remain  open to our  client's experiences. Then, together we can start to dismantle their harsh inner voice and find a way forward that reduces the sadness and shame.

Ideally, our clients will work with healthcare professionals who understand the complexity of obesity. The client's choices may involve bariatric surgery or medications, or something else. Whatever path our clients take, it is never an 'easy way out' as some people, certain that weight is just a matter of will power, tell them. It is a sad irony that when a person does find the means to better manage their weight, that even then, they are criticised.

I'm hopeful and optimistic that we can all become compassionate and informed advocates for our clients, and can help change those damaging inner voices.

Ginette Lenham. © August 2025

A MID YEAR UPDATE FOR BOOKINGS.

 If anyone would like to make an appointment or refer anyone for sessions I am still seeing clients over zoom and face time (to book a session with me please reach out via my website)

Additionally I am delighted to share I am joining a practice in Brisbane called Lifestyle Metabolic's  https://www.lifestylemetabolic.com.au/ (Via telehealth only (For booking please call or email their reception.)

For face to face sessions I have beautiful rooms in the CBD  that I can see people in.To arrange a session there please contact me directly via my website. These rooms are a part of a relationship counselling practice, should you be looking for a relationship or sex therapist, I can refer you directly. 

I have also joined a women's health practice in Bondi Junction called Mymahealth

https://mymahealth.com.au/ (bookings can be made calling reception or via hot doc)

You do not need a referral to make an appointment for any of these locations or with me privately.

I am committed to working collaboratively and with other health care professionals who are on the same page so am always happy to refer clients to colleagues for other support you may need.